


Damned If I Do Ya (Damned If I Don't)

by iwannafucktheguitarist



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Smut, Unrequited Crush, it's got a lot of smut but there is a plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-02
Updated: 2015-11-08
Packaged: 2018-04-29 15:34:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5132861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwannafucktheguitarist/pseuds/iwannafucktheguitarist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Calum reveals information that's maybe a little too personal in an interview, he's forced to acknowledge a fact about himself that he's been denying for a while: he's not exactly a hundred percent straight. He confides in Michael, and Michael offers to help him figure it out. But Calum's always had a secret crush on Michael, and now that their relationship includes a physical aspect, he's not sure if he can keep his feelings a secret anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so first of all, i'd like to insist (and continue to delude myself) that i don't ship malum. i just thought malum was a better fit for this plot than cashton, which i actually do ship. but lbr all of the 5sos ships are real af anyway. ot4 ftw amiright?
> 
> the fic's title is from the all time low song. i listened to it and i'm like, you know, that actually might be a good fit for this fic. i mean, it's not exactly right, but i can definitely see some of the lyrics being relatable to calum's thoughts in this fic.
> 
> my tumblr, as always: [salt-were-goin-up](http://salt-were-goin-up.tumblr.com).

“I can’t believe we didn’t get in trouble for saying that,” Ashton says after the interview is over.

“I can’t believe Calum likes butt stuff,” Michael replies, earning him a punch in the shoulder from Calum.

“Shut up. You’re one to talk; you’re actually into guys,” Calum says, blushing. He really wishes he hadn’t said that he likes a finger up his ass in the interview.

“Exactly. I’m open about it. I think that was a surprise to all of us coming from you,” Michael tells him.

“Well, you’re still the one who brought up the subject of masturbation in a fucking interview,” Calum points out.

“Technically, the interviewer brought it up.”

“You know that wasn’t what she meant,” Luke says.

“Still,” Michael says. “You should know by now I have no filter. It shouldn’t be surprising when I say shit like that at this point.”

 

Later that night, Calum and Michael are in their hotel room. Calum’s lying awake in bed, thinking about the implications of what he said and wondering what their fans are saying about it. He doesn’t really want to know; doesn’t want to check Twitter and see everyone speculating about his sexuality or something like that. To be honest, he’s not one hundred percent sure he’s straight. But he doesn’t know for sure. And then he gets the idea.

“Michael,” he says, turning over to see that Michael’s asleep in his bed. “Miiichaaaeeel,” Calum says, getting up and poking Michael’s shoulder.

Michael groans and opens one eye. “What do you want? I’m sleeping,” he mumbles.

“Can we talk?” Calum asks.

“We can talk tomorrow,” Michael grumbles, cuddling up to his pillow and pulling the blankets over his head.

Calum sighs. “I really don’t want to wait till tomorrow to talk about this,” he states. Something in his tone must make Michael realize that Calum’s upset, and Michael sits up, yawning a bit and rubbing his eyes.

Michael scoots over, making room in his bed for Calum to crawl in next to him. Michael wraps his arms around Calum. “What’s on your mind, Calum?”

“It’s just...the interview. I can’t believe I said that in a fucking interview and now it’s probably been gif’ed and is all over tumblr and shit and I just...I don’t even want to know what people are saying about me now.”

“Calum, it’s not the end of the world,” Michael says. “If you’re worried people are going to think you’re gay or something like that, there’re plenty of straight guys who like having their ass played with; it’s not that weird.”

Calum can’t believe they’re having this conversation. But he does need to talk about this, so… “The thing is, I’m not a hundred percent sure I’m, uh, straight.” And there it is, something he’s not really ever allowed himself to think about, much less talk about. But he figures Michael will be the most understanding; after all, Michael’s bisexual himself.

“Oh,” Michael says, sounding surprised, which, Calum can see how this is a bit shocking; he’s never given any indication that he could be anything other than completely heterosexual. Michael’s silent for a bit. “I’m sorry, I just didn’t expect that,” he says after a couple minutes during which Calum becomes increasingly nervous. “I mean, you never said anything. Like, you’ve never really seemed like you’re interested in guys, but girls…”

“Yeah, I know.”

“How long have you been...thinking this?” Michael asks.

“I dunno,” Calum says quietly. “A while,” he admits. “I just needed to tell someone about it, and that interview made it seem more real, somehow. I feel like I, like, outed myself or something and I didn’t mean to.”

“Hey,” Michael says gently, tilting Calum’s head to look at him. “You’ll be okay. We’ll figure this out, okay?”

We. Calum’s grateful that he’s not going to be alone in this but.. “Could you not tell the others about this for a while, Mike?”

“Sure. Just between us, right?”

“Yeah.”

Soon after their conversation, Calum falls asleep in Michael’s arms, feeling a lot calmer now that he’s told someone.

 

The next morning, things are back to normal...sort of. Calum still regrets saying that in the interview, and of course Luke and Ashton are making fun of him. Michael defends him, though, when they do it around him, which Calum is grateful for.

What he hadn’t told Michael, though, was that he’s a large part of the reason why Calum’s questioning his sexuality at all. Looking back, Calum thinks he’s probably had a crush on Michael for a long time, he just didn’t let himself see it for what it was until very recently. And when Michael had come out as bisexual a few years back, he’d thought about Michael with guys, and then he thought about Michael with him, and that confused him because he’s straight—he’s always liked girls—except maybe he’s not.

Calum’s still quite confused, and the person who is the main cause of his confusion is also pretty much the only person he feels comfortable talking to it about. So, it’s kind of difficult for Calum to talk to Michael about this stuff because he’s afraid he’ll let something slip about his crush, and that would be bad. Calum knows Michael doesn’t feel the same. If Michael has a crush on anyone in the band it’s Luke; Calum’s seen the way he looks at him and it’s pretty obvious.

So all in all, it’s pretty stressful for Calum right now.

 

It’s Michael who broaches the subject next. They’re in their hotel room again, watching some TV show that Calum hasn’t been paying attention to, too lost in his thoughts to even be able to know whether it’s a cartoon or live action, much less the name or channel. “So have you ever kissed a guy?” Michael says out of the blue.

Calum looks at him in shock. He’d thought Michael’d forgotten about their conversation to be honest. He answers the question honestly though. “No, I haven’t. What’s it like?” Calum asks, because he’s been thinking about it for a while, and he wants to know.

“Wanna find out?” Michael says, a teasing edge to his voice. He’s got to be joking, Calum thinks. There’s no way Michael actually wants to kiss him.

“Shut up,” Calum mumbles, blushing.

“I’m serious,” Michael says. “If you want, I’ll kiss you.” Michael looks at him intently. “Do you want that?”

Calum takes a shaky breath. “Yeah. Yeah, I want that,” he says softly.

“C’mere,” Michael says, moving over and making room for Calum on his bed.

“You’re serious?” Calum asks, still not quite believing that this is happening.

“Yeah. C’mon.”

Calum goes over and lies on his side facing Michael, waiting for Michael to make the first move. Michael leans in and cups Calum’s cheek gently with his hand. All Calum can look at is Michael’s lips. Michael has really pretty lips, Calum’s always thought so, and they’re about to kiss now, and Calum’s nervous like this is his first kiss all over again.

Finally, Michael leans in the rest of the way and presses his lips to Calum’s softly, just barely there, and pulls back again. “Is this okay?” he asks seriously.

Calum nods mutely and pulls Michael back in, and Michael kisses him more forcefully this time. They kiss closed-mouthed for a while, and Calum thinks it’s not much different from kissing a girl. Except for one thing: he can feel the scratch of Michael’s stubble against his jaw and he likes it. He prefers this over kissing girls, he’s not sure why but he does.

And then Michael’s tongue is there, licking at his lips, and he opens his mouth, and their tongues brush against each other, and they’re making out now. Michael shifts so he’s hovering over Calum, still keeping a bit of distance between their bodies though. Calum wishes he wouldn’t do that; he wants to feel Michael against him, feel his weight on him. But he doesn’t want to seem too eager, so he doesn’t do anything about it.

They kiss like that for probably five minutes before Michael’s pulling away, moving so he’s lying on his side facing Calum. They take a minute to catch their breath and then Michael says, “So...did you like it? Different from kissing a girl?”

“Yeah,” Calum says seriously. “Yeah, that was...great. Honestly, I prefer it over any girl I’ve kissed,” he says quietly.

“Yeah?” Michael asks. “So I guess that means you’re sure now? You like guys?”

“Yeah. I’m sure now,” Calum says. He knows now that he’s not straight, he doesn’t know what exactly he is, but he knows he likes guys. The idea’s kind of scary, more so than when it was something he was just questioning. “What do I do?”

“You don’t have to do anything,” Michael says. “You don’t have to tell anyone else if you don’t want to, Calum. You don’t even have to tell Luke and Ashton. It’s up to you. You’ll get through this, okay? I’m here for you.” Michael pulls him into a cuddle, and Calum starts crying a bit. He’s glad he has a friend like Michael, glad Michael is so supportive and understanding, glad he told someone instead of keeping it in. Even though his feelings for Michael are all mixed up in there, he’s still his best friend; always has been, and that’s not going to change.

“Thanks, Mike,” Calum whispers, burying his head in Michael’s shoulder.

They fall asleep like that, holding each other close in Michael’s bed.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so here's chapter two. i just finished it so i'm going ahead and posting it. chapter three is not yet written but it shouldn't take me too long to write it (i'm aiming for 1500 words per chapter). but you get some mild smut in this chapter, so that's good...right?
> 
> as always, my tumblr is [salt-were-goin-up](http://salt-were-goin-up.tumblr.com).

Days pass and Michael keeps his word and doesn’t tell Luke or Ashton. Calum wants to kiss Michael again, but they’re always around the others, so he doesn’t have an opportunity. He dreams about Michael more often than before, and he and Michael don’t really talk about the kiss. Finally they have a day off, and Michael and Calum are alone in the hotel room they’re once again sharing.

Calum’s not sure how to bring up the subject of the kiss, much less ask for it to happen again. Luckily, Michael seems to have been thinking about it too, because he brings it up. “So, uh, remember the other day when we kissed?” he asks.

“Yeah…” Calum says, wondering what Michael’s getting at. He hopes Michael is bringing it up because he enjoyed it and wants to do it again, but he also doesn’t really think Michael would want to kiss him again.

“Would it be weird if we, like, made it a thing? Like we kiss sometimes?” Michael asks.

Calum’s silent for a while, trying to process what Michael just asked. He’s not sure what this will mean for their relationship, and he knows it’s probably not the best idea due to his crush, but he really wants to be able to kiss Michael whenever he wants, and Michael’s offering, so… “I’d like that, actually,” Calum says.

“Wanna make out?” Michael asks, and Calum’s hit with a rush of deja vu.

_They’re filming the music video for She’s Kinda Hot. They’re just hanging out next to the house for the video, just laughing and joking around, and Michael asks him that same question. Calum looks at him in disbelief. There’s no way Michael just asked him to make out with him. “What?” Calum asks, not sure he heard right. Michael repeats himself. Calum decides that he must be messing with him; after all, they are on camera. Despite wanting more than anything to kiss Michael, he just jokes, “I’m just gonna ignore what you just said.”_

“Definitely,” is what Calum answers this time, not going to pass up this opportunity.

“Get over here, then,” Michael says with a smirk, patting the bed next to him.

Calum slips into bed next to Michael eagerly, still halfway expecting it to be some sort of joke. Michael dispels those fears almost immediately, pull Calum in and pressing their lips together, and Calum lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. Calum wraps his arms around Michael, pulling him in closer, their chests touching, Calum’s palms flat against Michael’s back. Michael shifts so he’s on top of Calum, letting most of his weight rest on Calum as he continues kissing him.

Calum is amazed that this is happening, that Michael is here, all pressed up against him, kissing him so passionately, and even though he knows that this isn’t anything more than platonic for Michael, he still allows himself to feel the happiness of being with Michael like this. Because he’ll take anything Michael will give him. Michael deepens the kiss, his tongue entering Calum’s mouth, and Calum can feel everything so acutely. He can feel Michael’s body pressed to his, feel the cotton of Michael’s T-shirt beneath his hands that are still resting on Michael’s back, feel the softness of Michael’s tongue brushing his, and it’s overwhelming to think that this is happening to him.

Calum feels himself getting hard, and he prays Michael doesn’t notice, doesn’t want to stop kissing him, doesn’t want Michael to get weirded out, he just wants to stay right here with Michael above him, kissing him. Then Michael lowers himself so their groins are touching and Calum holds back a groan because Michael is hard too, he can feel the bulge in his jeans pressed against his own and Michael wedges his thigh between Calum’s and grinds down and Calum gasps.

“Is this okay?” Michael asks him.

“Yes. Please,” Calum says, not sure what he’s asking for but knowing he wants this, wants more. Michael grinds against him again and this time Calum moans. Michael mouths at Calum’s neck, making Calum shiver. This is so good, so much better than being with a girl, and Calum knows he’s probably not going to last very long. In a rush of bravery he moves his hands down to Michael’s ass, pressing down, helping Michael to grind against him and they both moan, and Calum can’t quite believe that this is happening.

It only takes a few minutes before Calum feels himself getting close, and he’s kind of embarrassed but he can’t really help it; he’s dreamed of being with Michael and now Michael’s here with him, rutting against him, and it’s so hot he can’t really contain himself. He comes with a groan, his body shaking, and it feels so good, and the fact that it’s Michael he’s with, it’s Michael who made him come, just makes it even better.

“Did you just…” Michael asks, raising an eyebrow. Calum blushes but nods. Michael groans, grinding himself against Calum’s thigh and it’s not long before he’s following after, whiny moans escaping his mouth and Calum thinks that just might be the hottest thing he’s ever seen.

They just lay there for a while, catching their breaths, and Calum still can’t quite believe that that just happened.

“We should probably get cleaned off,” Michael says. “Dibs on first shower.”

While Michael’s in the shower, Calum lies there thinking about what just happened. What will this mean for their relationship? He’s pretty sure Michael only sees him as a friend, no romantic feelings on Michael’s part. But this is complicating things, and Calum’s feelings are all mixed up in there, and he doesn’t want this to stop, in fact he wants more than this, wants everything with Michael, and he’s starting to think that Michael wouldn’t be averse to the idea of having sex with Calum, and fuck that’s a train of thought he really shouldn’t go down right now. Or ever, actually.

 

Calum should have known, looking back on it, that Luke and Ashton would find out about this eventually. He just didn’t expect it to be so soon. But they’re not stupid, they were bound to notice something.

“Is there something going on between you and Michael?” Luke asks out of the blue during a game of FIFA.

“What?” Calum asks.

“Calum, I’m not stupid. There’s something different in the way you act around Michael. What happened? Is it something we all need to talk about?”

“Uh...no. Nope, nothing we need to talk about at all, actually. Let’s just pretend this didn’t happen and continue the game, shall we?”

Luke pauses the game. “Calum, you’ve been acting weird ever since that interview. And you’ve been spending more time with Michael than with me or Ash lately. What’s going on?”

“Um...okay, so remember when I said, uh...that I like butt stuff in the interview?” Calum asks, blushing.

“Yeah…”

“Well, uh, I kind of had been thinking that I might not be, um, a hundred percent straight, and after that interview I kind of felt like I’d accidentally outed myself, so I talked to Michael about it because he’s bi so I figured he’d understand the best. And then the next day he asked me if I’d ever kissed a guy, and I hadn’t so we made out. And then yesterday we kind of...got off together,” Calum says, blushing.

Luke blinks a couple times, clearly not expecting that. “Um, okay, just, uh, give me a second to process what you just said.” Calum waits, worrying that Luke’s going to freak out or something. “Um, well,” Luke says after a couple minutes. “I can say that I wasn’t expecting that, exactly. But, uh, as long as you’re just, like, experimenting or whatever, and you’re not actually dating him or anything, I don’t think this is going to have any effect on the band or anything, so, uh, just go ahead. But don’t share too many details.”

“That’s not all,” Calum says, deciding that he needs to tell someone about his feelings for Michael. “Luke, I think I’m in love with him.”

Luke’s silent for a bit. “Oh. How long have you felt like that?”

“I don’t know,” Calum says, his head in his hands. “I guess probably since we were kids, but now that we’re actually...doing stuff it’s so fucking hard to keep it a secret. But I know he doesn’t feel that way about me. But I also don’t want to stop this...whatever it is that we have, because it’s also probably the closest I’ll ever get to actually having Michael as a boyfriend or whatever.”

Luke hugs Calum then. “I’m sorry. It always sucks when someone you love doesn’t love you back. But you should at least tell Michael about it. You know he won’t freak out or anything.”

“But then he might not want to kiss me anymore,” Calum says.

“Calum, if you keep this a secret it’s going to come back to bite you later,” Luke says.

“I know; I just don’t want to give this up. This is the only way I’ll get to be with him, so I don’t want to risk it ending by telling him about my stupid crush.”

“Okay. Well, at least think about telling him, okay? Now, let’s un-pause the game so I can get back to kicking your ass at FIFA.”

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so here's part three. this is almost all smut, but the last few hundred words are plot-related. after this chapter there will be some angst, and i think i'll add some tags with this chapter since i have a better idea of where i'm going with the story now.
> 
> ummm...this was fairly difficult for me to write but i write really fast so idk...i guess i'm a really fast updater anyway but it felt like this took me ages to write lol.
> 
> my tumblr, as always, is [salt-were-goin-up](http://salt-were-goin-up.tumblr.com).

Calum does think about telling Michael. He does, really. He just decides it’s not worth the risk. He doesn’t want to see the look on Michael’s face when he tells him. Doesn’t want Michael to pity him, doesn’t want their physical relationship to end.

So he doesn’t tell him. They don’t kiss often, and nothing sexual happens again. And Calum doesn’t know how to initiate anything without seeming too eager and possibly revealing his feelings.

As before, it’s Michael who brings it up again. They’re sitting on the sofa in Calum’s hotel room (they all got individual rooms this time). “So, I was thinking,” he begins.

“That’s never a good thing,” Calum jokes.

“Shut up. I was thinking that maybe, if you want, we could go a bit...farther?”

Calum’s heart speeds up at the thought of it. “What exactly did you have in mind?” he asks, surprised he can keep his voice steady.

“I could jerk you off,” Michael offers, and Calum literally whimpers at the thought. “Is that a yes?”

“God, yes, Michael, please,” Calum groans. He’s half-hard just thinking about it.

“Yeah?”

“Yes.” And then Michael’s unbuttoning Calum’s jeans, and Calum lifts his hips and allows Michael to pull his jeans and boxers off, and then Michael wraps his hand around him and Calum’s eyes roll back in his head a bit and he groans. “Oh, fuck.”

Michael starts stroking Calum and Calum lets out a shuddery breath. Fuck. This feels good. He looks down and sees Michael’s hand wrapped around him, he’s always thought Michael had pretty hands, and he can barely believe that this is real, halfway thinks that this must be a dream; he’s dreamed of this very thing happening a few times, so it’s not that far-fetched an idea.

Michael’s hand feels so good and he’s barely touched him. Calum’s fully hard now, and Michael’s stroking him steadily, twisting his hand in a way that makes Calum gasp each time he does it. Michael’s watching Calum’s reactions with a fascinated look on his face. “God, you’re so responsive,” Michael mutters. “You’re so hot, Cal.” Calum groans at that because, fuck, Michael is touching him and telling him he’s hot and just a few days ago he would never have dreamed that in a million years Michael would want this. Then Michael looks at him and says, “Can I suck you off?”

Calum shivers at that, nodding his head. Michael gets on his knees in the floor between Calum’s spread legs and leans in. Calum’s breath hitches as the wet heat of Michael’s mouth engulfs the head of his cock, Michael’s tongue swirling around. Michael moans as he takes more of Calum into his mouth. “Do you...like doing that?” Calum asks, kind of shyly, not knowing if this is too personal a question. But considering that his dick is literally in Michael’s mouth right now, he figures that there’s really no such thing as too personal a question anymore.

Michael pulls off of Calum’s dick to answer the question, the action making an obscene popping sound. “I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t like it,” he says. “It’s fun.”

Calum laughs a bit at that, but it turns into a groan as Michael takes him all the way down. “Holy shit,” Calum swears. “You’re good at that.” Michael hums around Calum’s dick in response, making Calum groan. “Oh, fuck.” Calum’s not usually very vocal during sex but this is possibly the best blowjob he’s ever gotten, so it’s hard to keep quiet. Michael’s hand reaches down then, his finger rubbing against Calum’s hole, not going inside, just exploring, and Calum lets out a loud moan. “Oh, fuck, Michael.” Calum feels himself getting close, everything just so overwhelming and he says, “Michael, I’m gonna come,” expecting Michael to pull off of him, but Michael just continues sucking him, taking him back into his throat again and that’s it for Calum, he’s coming with a groan of Michael’s name, panting and shuddering as Michael works him through it, and by the end of it Calum’s basically gone limp, leaning back on the the sofa, completely blissed out. “That was...literally the best blowjob I’ve ever gotten. Holy shit.”

Michael gives him a cheeky smirk at that. “Thank you.”

“Do you want me to return the favor?” Calum asks hesitantly, not sure whether Michael would want that or not. Also not sure how good he’d be at it and slightly freaking out at the fact that he actually wants another guy’s dick in his mouth, which, okay, that’s definitely something he’s never thought about doing before but he realizes he wants this, wants to please Michael like this, make Michael come, wants to know what it’s like.

“Do you want to?” Michael asks, sounding a bit surprised, which Calum can understand why. “I mean, I don’t want you to feel like you have to or something, like to pay me back or whatever.”

“No, it’s, uh, I want to.”

“Yeah?” Michael asks, unbuttoning his jeans already and pulling them down his legs.

“Yeah,” Calum says, and Michael takes his boxers off as well and Calum sees Michael’s cock, which, he’s seen it before, seen all his bandmates’ dicks, probably more times than is normal in a friendship, but fuck he’s never seen Michael like this and his cock is so pretty and big and okay, pretty’s an odd word to use to describe a dick, but Michael’s is. Calum keeps that particular assessment to himself because he’s sure Michael would laugh at him if he said he had a pretty dick. Calum licks his lips, his mouth suddenly feeling dry. What if he’s horrible at this?

“It’s okay if you changed your mind,” Michael tells him, seeing Calum’s hesitation.

“No, I wanna do this; I just...don’t wanna be terrible at it.”

“You won’t,” Michael tells him. Calum takes a deep breath and wraps his hand around the base of Michael’s cock, leaning in and licking at the head a bit. “It’s not a lollipop, Calum,” Michael says, rolling his eyes.

“Then tell me what to do,” Calum says. “It’s not like I’ve ever had a dick in my mouth before, and I didn’t exactly take notes whenever someone blew me.”

“Sorry. Just, uh, take what you can in your mouth, and work the rest with your hand. okay?”

Calum nods, then takes Michael into his mouth, and Michael moans. Calum tries to get a rhythm going, sinking down so his lips meet his hand then coming back up and swirling his tongue around the head, and Michael must be enjoying it, because he’s making these breathy whines and Calum’s never heard Michael sound like that and it’s so fucking hot.

It’s not as weird as Calum had thought it’d be, sucking another guy’s cock. Maybe it’s just because it’s Michael, but he’s actually kind of enjoying it. And it’s actually kind of hot in itself. Calum’s trying to figure out what Michael likes, to make this good for him, and from the way Michael’s moaning, it sounds like he’s doing a pretty good job, which makes him a little more confident. He tries to take Michael deeper (after all, Michael did deep-throat him), and ends up gagging, so he backs off and just works what he can’t take with his hand. Maybe with practice he’ll be able to take more and he can’t believe he just had that thought. Practice. He wants to do this again, possibly many times, wants to learn how to please Michael like this.

Michael grips Calum’s hair and helps to guide his movements and Calum really likes that, likes letting Michael set the pace. Michael’s whining and moaning and his hands tighten in Calum’s hair. “Oh, fuck. Calum, I’m gonna come,” Michael says breathlessly. Michael’s probably expecting Calum to pull off, but Calum wants Michael to finish in his mouth, wants to taste him. So Calum just keeps going and before long Michael’s coming in his mouth, and it’s not as weird as Calum thought it would be; he has to concentrate a bit to catch all of it but he pulls off and swallows when Michael’s done and Michael looks kind of dazed. “C’mere,” Michael says, tugging on Calum’s arm, pulling him up to his level. “Kiss me.”

And Calum’s kind of shocked that Michael wants to kiss him right now, but he obliges easily, settling onto the couch next to Michael and tilting Michael’s head to press their lips together. He swipes his tongue over Michael’s lip, confident for once, and Michael opens immediately, and the kiss deepens, their tongues sliding past each other.

Calum’s so caught up in the kiss he doesn’t hear the door open. He does, however, hear the loud shout of “What the fuck?” that comes from Ashton. Startled, he pulls back quickly, and his teeth clack against Michael’s.

“We were in the middle of something,” Michael says nonchalantly, which, how the hell is he so calm here?!

“How did you even get in here?” Calum asks, trying to change the subject.

“I have copies of all of your keys. Ever since Luke locked himself out of his room that time. Now, what the hell is going on? Because when I came in here I certainly did not expect to see you guys making out. Or, you know, not wearing pants.”

Calum looks down and realizes that, in fact, his boxers and jeans are still off. “Oops. Hold on a sec,” he says, standing up and putting his boxers back on, ignoring his jeans. He hands Michael’s to him. “Here, these are yours.” Calum’s blushing more than he probably ever has in his life, but Ashton doesn’t seem disgusted with him or anything, so that’s a plus.

Michael slips his boxers back on and looks at Calum softly. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I just...didn’t think about the possibility of being walked in on. Pretty stupid, considering this band’s utter lack of respect for privacy,” Calum says.

“I’m still waiting for an explanation,” Ashton says.

“Uh, we kind of have a, uh...thing,” Calum says, not sure exactly how to explain it because he’s not sure what it is himself.

“A thing?” Ashton repeats. “Apparently a thing that involves kissing and nudity. Alright, how long has this ‘thing’ been going on?”

“I dunno, a week maybe?” Calum answers. “It started because I was thinking that I might not be, you know, straight, and then me and Michael kissed and it kind of grew from there and now I don’t really know what to call it but I know I like it and I don’t want it to stop,” Calum says quickly.

“Okay. Does Luke know about this?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“And no one thought to tell me?”

“Sorry, Ash. Luke kind of figured it out and confronted me. But I should have told you too.”

“Yeah, you should have. I can’t even remember what I came in here for now. I’m going back to my room. Please be careful about this, okay? I don’t care if you guys mess around or whatever, but if you start dating and break up, the band could seriously suffer. So don’t do anything stupid.”

“It’s not like that, Ash,” Michael says. “We’re just two friends messing about, right, Calum?”

Calum hears the words echoing through his head, but manages to nod his head and say, “Yeah, just friends.” His voice sounds empty, even to himself.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys i'm so sorry it took me so long to update; i had horrible writer's block plus i was super-busy. this chapter has a lot of angst and some angsty smut. i promise the story will have a happy ending. just not yet.
> 
> my tumblr: [salt-were-goin-up](http://salt-were-goin-up.tumblr.com).

_We’re just two friends messing about. Right, Calum?_

It’s been a few hours since Ashton found him and Michael in that, uh, compromising situation. A few hours since Michael basically confirmed that his feelings were not mutual. A few hours since Calum’s heart broke.

Calum’s lying on his side in his bed facing the wall, glad that he’s not sharing a room with Michael this time. He was able to keep himself together until Michael left, going back to his own room. Then he laid down in his bed and pulled the covers over his head and cried. Now he’s cried all he can and he’s just lying there with Michael’s words bouncing through his head.

He really shouldn’t have let himself get his hopes up, he thinks. Michael doesn’t love him back. He should have known that. But he let himself hope, just for a bit, that his feelings might be reciprocated. And now he’s been let down.

He hears a knock on his door, then the door opens and someone walks in. “Go away,” Calum says, not in the mood to see anyone.

“Hey,” Luke says, pulling the blanket off Calum’s head and lying down facing him.

“What do you want?” Calum says pitifully.

“Ashton told me what happened. I figured the whole ‘just friends messing around’ thing Michael said probably didn’t feel too good for you. Wanna talk about it?” Luke asks.

Calum shakes his head. Luke frowns but cuddles up to Calum, kissing his hair. Calum’s kind of glad that he has Luke here; the situation’s kind of shitty but at least there’s someone here who knows about Calum’s feelings for Michael and is sympathetic. “Thanks for not saying ‘I told you so’,” Calum says quietly. “I know you said that I needed to tell Michael or I’d end up hurt, but I didn’t want to risk ending whatever it was that I had with him.”

“You need to tell him, Calum,” Luke says gently.

“No. I don’t want things to be awkward between us. And this is the only way I’ll ever get to be with him,” Calum says. He knows that things can’t keep going like this, that eventually Michael will find out about his feelings and it’ll all stop then. But for now, he wants to be able to be with Michael.

“He’ll find out eventually.”

“I know. But I’m not telling him yet. Being with him like this is better than never having him at all,” Calum insists resolutely.

“Is it?” Luke asks.

“I think it is.”

Calum falls asleep in Luke’s arms. He’s glad that he has someone to talk to about this; he just wishes Luke wouldn’t keep trying to get him to tell Michael how he feels.

 

The next morning, Calum wakes up feeling someone staring at him. He looks up groggily to see Michael standing there, looking at him and Luke. “‘Morning, Mike,” Calum says sleepily.

“Why is Luke in your bed?” Michael asks. He doesn’t sound upset, per se, just confused, as if he can’t imagine a situation in which Calum would have Luke in his bed.

Calum panics internally then, because Luke was comforting him last night because Michael doesn’t return his feelings, and he doesn’t want to tell Michael that because that would involve revealing his crush.

Luckily, Luke wakes up then, stretching and yawning and looking at Michael. “Hey, Mikey. What are you doing here?” he says.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Michael says.

“Oh. I couldn’t sleep last night so I came in here to see if Calum was still awake, and he was, so we cuddled and we both fell asleep like that, I guess,” Luke lies easily.

“Alright. Well I was gonna order room service for breakfast, if you guys want? We’re eating in Ash’s room,” Michael says.

“Great; I’m starving,” Luke says.

“Yeah, that’s...I’ll go too,” Calum says absentmindedly, still thinking about yesterday and just friends, right, Calum? and Michael not returning his feelings. Michael is just blissfully oblivious, Calum thinks. Calum doesn’t want to burden him with his stupid feelings. He’ll continue on as they are, more than friends but not actually a couple (he can’t really bring himself to think friends with benefits), and he’ll have to be content with that.

“Are you okay, Cal?” Michael asks.

“Yeah, uh, just kind of tired still,” Calum says.

“Okay,” Michael says, looking skeptical but not calling him out.

 

After a breakfast of pancakes and bacon, Michael wants Calum to come back to his room with him. Calum’s stomach twists with anticipation. He doesn’t know exactly what’s going to happen, but he can guess it’ll be something similar to yesterday. When they get to Michael’s room, Michael says bluntly, “Can I finger you?”

Calum looks at him in shock, not quite sure that Michael just said what he thinks he just said. “W-what?” Calum asks.

“You said you like having your ass played with. I’ll finger you, if you want,” Michael offers.

“Yeah,” Calum breathes. “Yeah, fuck. Can we kiss first, though? Work up to it?”

“Yeah,” Michael says, cupping Calum’s face and leaning in and pressing a gentle kiss to his lips, then taking his hand and leading him to his bed. It feels almost romantic to Calum, and he has to fight back a bit of sadness at the fact that for Michael, this is just “friends messing around”. But he wants this, wants to be with Michael, wants to have Michael touch him, make him feel good. And if he can forget for just a couple minutes that it’s nothing more than a fuck to Michael, he can enjoy it.

Calum lies down on the bed and Michael lies over him, pressing his body against Calum’s, capturing Calum’s lips in a kiss, and it’s gentle again, and Calum lets himself pretend, just for a bit, that Michael loves him back, that they’re doing this out of love, that it’s not just “friends messing around” to Michael.

Michael deepens the kiss and Calum opens his mouth eagerly, their tongues brushing, and Calum thinks that if only Michael loved him back, this would be literally perfect. The kiss slowly becomes more heated, and Michael leans back and takes his shirt off, allowing Calum to do the same, and Calum takes in the beautiful expanse of pale skin in front of him. Michael rarely takes his shirt off anymore; Calum knows it’s because he’s self-conscious of how he looks. He’s beautiful, Calum thinks, wishes he could tell Michael that without it being weird; there are so many things he wants to say to Michael but he can’t, because Michael doesn’t feel that way about him.

Michael’s hands undo Calum’s jeans, pulling them off of him along with his boxers, and Calum’s completely naked now, and Michael gets a bottle of lube from the bedside table. “Do you want to be on your hands and knees, or is this okay?” Michael asks him.

“This is fine,” Calum says, wanting to see Michael.

“Alright, then, babe. Spread your legs for me.”

Calum does as he’s told, and he tries not to think too much about the fact that Michael just called him babe. He hears the cap of the lube click open, then feels Michael’s slick finger start to circle his hole, getting him wet, before pushing inside slowly.

Calum groans at the feeling of Michael’s finger entering him. It’s been a while since Calum’s done this to himself, and it feels good finally being touched there. Calum’s so sensitive there, and god Michael’s finger feels so good.

After a couple minutes Michael adds a second finger, crooking them, looking for Calum’s prostate. Calum whines when he finds it, and god this feels so good; Michael’s fingers feel amazing, even better than when he does it himself, and he’s panting and groaning.

“How’s it feel?” Michael asks after a bit.

“Good, so good. Fuck, Michael, it feels so good.” Michael continues prodding Calum’s prostate, and it feels amazing. Calum groans and then practically screams when Michael leans down and takes his dick into his mouth. “Oh god, Michael, yes.”

Michael takes Calum all the way down and Calum groans loudly because just as he hits the back of Michael’s throat, Michael presses harder against his prostate, and he feels himself getting close. Michael pulls off and leans back over Calum, kissing him as he continues to pump his fingers in and out, and Calum feels amazing. It doesn’t take long before Calum’s coming, untouched, with a cry of Michael’s name.

After Calum’s come down from his orgasm, he sees Michael stroking himself. He’s not sure when Michael took his pants off, but he can’t be bothered to wonder too much about that. “Let me suck you,” he tells him. Michael agrees easily and Calum leans in and takes him into his mouth. Just like the first time, Calum enjoys the taste and feel of having Michael’s dick in his mouth, and he bobs his head, sucking gently, swirling his tongue around the head when he reaches the top. It’s not long before Michael’s telling him he’s close and Calum takes him as deep as he can and hums around his dick and Michael whines and comes, his come filling Calum’s mouth and Calum swallows it all, enjoying the taste.

They lay there cuddled up in Michael’s bed after, and Calum lets himself imagine, just for a bit, that Michael is holding him because he loves him the same way Calum loves Michael. That they’re in love. That it’s mutual, and they’re actually a couple. As Calum lies with his head of Michael’s chest, he has a feeling of peace until the sadness sets in. This doesn’t mean anything to Michael, but for Calum, this is everything. Calum thinks “I love you” over and over, but he doesn’t say it. Because he knows Michael doesn’t feel the same, and he doesn’t want this to end.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok guys this is the next-to-last chapter. this fic has been so much fun to write and i've turned into malum trash while writing it as well lol. so uh, this chapter is mainly angst. there's no smut here. but there will be a happy ending to this story, i promise, just not yet.
> 
> my tumblr is [salt-were-goin-up](http://salt-were-goin-up.tumblr.com). come say hi!

Calum gets up and goes back to his room after a bit. He lies down in his bed, thinking of how Michael had kissed him. It had felt so tender, he could almost believe Michael loved him back. He puts his headphones on and listens to music, trying to escape the shitty reality he’s stuck in right now.

 

They all go out that evening, surprisingly Michael goes as well. Calum sits in a corner booth, drinking. He’s on his fourth beer now, and he’s starting to get drunk now. There’s a pretty girl flirting with Michael and Calum’s watching them jealously. Michael seems interested in her; he’s probably going to take her back to the hotel and sleep with her. Calum’s eyes start to water a bit, and he won’t admit he’s crying.

He should be the one Michael wants to sleep with. He should be the only one Michael wants to be with. Michael’s the only person he wants to be with; why can’t Michael feel that way about him?! Luke comes over and sits down next to Calum, following Calum’s gaze over to where Michael is. “You should tell him,” Luke says. “Not right now; wait till tomorrow. But you really need to tell him; it’s killing you, man. If Michael knew he was hurting you, he’d—”

“He’d what? Stop having sex with me? Yeah, I know. That’s why I don’t want to tell him. I don’t want him to pity me. I don’t want him to apologize.”

“Calum, he might feel the same. You never know.”

“He doesn’t,” Calum says. “If he did, he’d have said something. Why doesn’t he love me, Luke? Why doesn’t he wanna be my boyfriend? I wanna be his boyfriend, why doesn’t he want that? What’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing’s wrong with you, Calum. Come on, let’s go back to the hotel. I don’t think you need to drink any more; we have a show tomorrow night and we don’t need you hungover.”

 

Luke tucks Calum into bed and goes back to his own room. Calum lies there contemplating why Michael doesn’t love him. What’s wrong with him that Michael doesn’t want to date him?

He hears his door open and light floods his room, and he sees Michael standing there. “Why are you in here? You shouldn’t be here; I might tell you about how I feel,” Calum says.

Michael walks into Calum’s room, shutting the door behind him and lying down facing Calum on his bed. “What do you mean, you might tell me about how you feel?” Michael asks.

“Can’t tell you, it’s a secret. If I tell you you won’t like me anymore,” Calum mumbles.

“And why wouldn’t I like you anymore if you told me?” Michael asks him.

“Because you don’t love me. You don’t love me and you just want to be friends and I’m just a fuck to you. And if I tell you that you won’t want to be with me anymore. So I can’t tell you,” Calum says sleepily.

“Calum, you’re drunk. You don’t know what you’re saying,” Michael tells him.

“Yes I do. I love you and you don’t love me and you wouldn’t want to have sex with me anymore if you found out.”

“Go to sleep, Calum. If you still love me in the morning, we can talk about this,” Michael says, giggling.

“Kay,” Calum says. He’s asleep before the door even opens.

 

The next morning, Calum doesn’t remember the conversation. He wonders why Michael’s being so weird around him. Michael’s avoiding him, he thinks. And he doesn’t know why. He came back to the hotel before he could do anything stupid, like confessing his love for Michael or something.

Calum’s hungover, his head is pounding. He lies in bed until they have to go to the venue. Michael continues to avoid him and he has no clue why. Finally, that night after the concert when they’re on the tour bus, he corners Michael. “Why are you avoiding me today?”

“Do you remember what happened last night?” Michael asks.

“Yeah. We went out and you were flirting with some girl and Luke and me went back to the hotel and Luke tucked me into bed,” Calum answers. “So that still doesn’t explain why you’re avoiding me.”

“Okay, after you went to bed, I came in your room to check on you. And you said some interesting things.”

Calum feels his mouth go dry at that. Had he told Michael about his feelings? “What kind of interesting things?”

“You said that you couldn’t tell me about how you feel because I wouldn’t want to be around you anymore. You didn’t seem to realize that you were actually talking to me and telling me about it.”

“I was drunk, Michael. I didn’t know what I was saying.”

“So you aren’t secretly in love with me or whatever?” Michael asks.

“No,” Calum insists. “You’re just my best friend.”

“You said last night that you were afraid that if I found out I wouldn’t want to sleep with you anymore.”

“Did I?”

“Calum, tell me the truth. Do you love me?”

“Uh…I dunno. Maybe?”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I wouldn’t have been so insensitive. I shouldn’t have been with you like that; I had no idea you wanted me because you were in love with me.”

Calum feels himself start to tear up, but he fights back the tears. “This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I don’t want to stop being with you. I don’t want you to see me any differently. But I guess I can’t help it now. So fine. I guess we’re not going to fool around anymore. We won’t kiss. We’ll be just friends, completely and utterly platonic. That’s fine. Absolutely fucking fine. I’m gonna go to my bunk now.”

“Calum—”

“Leave me alone. I don’t need your pity,” Calum says.

 

Calum lies down in his bunk and stares at the ceiling, closes his curtain and just tries not to think. He knew this would happen. He knew that when Michael found out he’d be upset and would want to end their arrangement. Calum just lies there for a long time. Then he turns over on his side facing the wall and curls up and gives in to the tears that have been threatening to fall since his conversation with Michael. He wishes he didn’t love Michael. He wishes he could be as indifferent as Michael. He just wants to stop hurting now.

He falls asleep eventually, still wishing he could make the pain go away.

 

The next night, they’re in a hotel again. They have single rooms again this time. Calum sits on his bed propped against the headboard and his arms around his knees. He hates himself for feeling this way about Michael, he hates Luke for making him think about telling Michael, he hates Ashton for walking in on them and prompting Michal to say they’re just friends, and most of all, he wishes he could hate Michael. But he can’t. He wishes he didn’t love Michael. But he does. He wishes he could move on, could get over his pathetic crush on him. But that seems impossible.

 

Days pass and Calum interacts with Michael as little as possible. On a day off, Calum’s hanging out in his hotel room when the door opens and Michael stumbles into his room, facing the door. He turns the handle and pulls, but it doesn’t budge. “C’mon guys, let me out!” Michael says.

“No,” Calum hears Luke’s voice. “You’re going to be in there until you and Calum work out whatever is going on between you guys.”

Michael sits down against the door, resolutely looking anywhere but at Calum, and Calum sits in his bed staring at the wall. Calum will not talk to Michael right now.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so here it is! the final chapter. i have mixed feelings about ending this story, but i'd planned for it to be five to six chapters, so this is about the length i'd planned for. here's your happy ending, complete with some fluffy smut and love confessions.
> 
> my tumblr is [salt-were-goin-up](http://salt-were-goin-up.tumblr.com). come talk to me!

After a couple hours, Michael gets up off the floor and tries the door again. It still won’t open. Calum wonders how Luke and Ashton fixed it so it won’t open when it locks inside and opens toward the inside. Michael appears to give up and goes to sit by Calum.

“I’m sorry,” Calum tells him. “I wish I didn’t feel this way. But I miss being best friends. Could you just ignore the fact that I’m in love with you and we can go back to just being friends?”

“No. No, I can’t ignore it,” Michael says. Calum feels himself starting to tear up and he looks down, away from Michael, unable to look Michael in the eye. “Calum, look at me. I’m so sorry I didn’t notice you were hurting. And I’m sorry I acted like I don’t care about you. Because I do. I love you, too, okay?”

Calum looks up at Michael, then. He doesn’t really dare to let himself believe Michael, not wanting to get his hopes up and be let down again. “You do?” he asks cautiously.

“Yeah,” Michael says, cupping Calum’s cheek gently and leaning in, pressing a gentle kiss to Calum’s lips, just a little too long to be considered a peck, then pulling back to look Calum in the eyes. “I’m so sorry I acted the way I did. I love you so much, Calum, I really do.”

Calum’s literally crying right now and he feels like such a girl, but he’s been thinking all this time that Michael would never feel the same and now Michael is here, telling him he loves him, and it’s just the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

Michael kisses him again, then, and it’s sweet and soft, and it slowly grows heated. Calum lies down and Michael lies over him, pressing their bodies together, still kissing him, and this feels the same but also different from when they’ve done this before. This time it’s with the knowledge that his feelings are reciprocated, that Michael loves him too, and Calum knows what he wants.

He pulls away just a bit, their lips still touching a bit, and says, “Will you make love to me?”

Michael smiles against his lips and says, “Yeah. Do you have lube?” He stands up and pulls of his shirt then takes his jeans and boxers off, leaving him naked in front of Calum.

“Bedside drawer,” Calum says, sitting up and pulling his shirt off, then struggling to get out of his jeans and boxers, finally getting them off as Michael returns with the little bottle and a condom that he’s pulled out of his wallet.

Michael just sets the condom and lube to the side and kisses Calum, and they just kiss for a few minutes before Michael leans back and asks, “Ready?”

“Yeah,” Calum says quietly, parting his legs in invitation.

Michael slicks up one finger to start with, and Calum watches him hungrily as he pushes the digit inside, groaning as he feels it moving inside him. Michael kisses him tenderly as he fingers him, adding a second finger after a few minutes.

Calum groans when Michael’s fingers brush his prostate, and Michael moves his fingers around, stretching Calum out, continuing to brush his prostate every little bit, and after a few minutes Calum’s begging him for another, and Michael obliges easily. Michael’s now got three fingers inside Calum, moving them and twisting them, working Calum open, getting him ready so they can make love.

Finally, Michael withdraws his fingers then rolls the condom onto his dick, slicking it up with lube, and positions himself at Calum’s entrance. “Are you ready?” he asks Calum, looking at him intently.

“Yeah, please,” Calum says, and Michael begins to press in, and fuck, Calum’s never felt this full, and it feels odd but good. Calum moans as he fills Michael fill him. Finally Michael’s fully seated, and Calum swears at feeling so full, it’s so intense and he can feel every detail of Michael’s dick inside him. “Fuck, please move,” he pleads, and Michael obliges.

As Michael moves inside him, Calum is overwhelmed by the fact that they’re here like this, and that this isn’t just “friends messing around”, this isn’t just a fuck, they’re making love and he pulls Michael into a kiss, amazed that he can have this, that Michael feels the same. “I love you,” Michael whispers against his lips.

Calum smiles, kissing Michael harder, their tongues brushing against each other as Michael continues to move over him, and then Michael changes the angle a bit and Calum cries out as he hits his prostate. “There?” Michael asks breathily. Calum nods, and Michael stays with that angle hitting Calum’s prostate with every thrust, and Calum’s crying from a mix of emotion and how good this feels, and Michael continues to kiss him, and Calum thinks for a second how lame he is, crying during sex. But he feels so overwhelmed by everything that’s happening, he can’t help it.

He feels himself getting close, and he doesn’t really want to come yet, doesn’t want this to end, wants to stay here connected to Michael like this forever. But he can feel his orgasm building, and his breathing speeds up and his breath hitches, and then he’s coming with a moan of Michael’s name, and he feels Michael speed up his thrusts then still, whiny moans escaping him as he releases into the condom.

Michael pulls out and ties off the condom, throwing it away, then gets a wet cloth and cleans the come off of Calum’s stomach. He lies down and wraps his arms around Calum, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “I love you, okay? I promise I’m not going to leave you and I’m not gonna ignore you anymore.”

“Love you,” Calum replies, pulling Michael in to kiss him again.

 

They stay in bed like that all day, kissing and enjoying being with each other, and Calum’s never been happier than he is now.

 

 


End file.
